Encouraging Desirable Behaviour in Children

By Ofra Sharp and Ma’ayan Hamilton / June 2023

As parents and caregivers of young children, we know that guiding our children toward socially acceptable and desirable behaviour can sometimes be a challenge.

We have compiled these helpful suggestions and tips on how to reinforce positive behaviour, and how to handle situations before they escalate.

Remember that there is no one solution to address all situations. Rather, as parents and caregivers, we need to try and remain flexible and approach each situation as an opportunity for learning and growth.

• Your Child

Identify and address your child’s underlying needs and feelings.

NEEDS: are they hungry and do they need a snack? Are they tired and do they need a rest? Do they have a fever or are they sick?

FEELINGS: are they frustrated, angry, or sad about something that happened earlier?

• The Activity

Look at the activity itself, and use these suggestions to help guide your child toward a desirable direction:

• Suggest appropriate alternatives. For example: “Let’s kick a ball, we don’t kick animals or people.”

• Give reasons: Explain why you don’t want your child to be doing something – give simple reasons which will help your child to understand why they are not allowed to do that activity. For example: “If you throw your toy car, it will break, and then you won’t have a toy to play with.”
• Prepare your child for the end of the activity by giving them a time warning. For example: “In five minutes we have to finish playing and get in the bath”. 

Repeat the warning a couple of minutes later: “In two minutes (or just now) we have to pack the blocks away and get in the bath.”

• The Behaviour

Give choices rather than make demands. This allows your child to still feel that they have a choice, which is important at this stage of their development. Try to always give two options for the same general outcome.

Example 1: “It is time to tidy up, you can either pack the books on the shelf yourself, or you can hand them to me to put on the shelf.”

Example 2: “You can either have carrots or butternut. (not asking: “Do you want vegetables?” and not forcing: “You have to eat carrots!”)

• The Environment
• Adapt or change the environment

For example, if there is a fragile glass vase on a table that your child is always wanting to touch. Instead of telling them “no” constantly, rather remove the vase out of reach.

• Remove your child from the environment

This is especially necessary when your child wants to do something that is dangerous for them or may cause harm to others.

For example: if they want to cut vegetables for a salad with a sharp knife, instead ask them to help with washing the vegetables.

• Natural Consequences

Allow natural consequences to happen.

This is especially helpful if a child plays roughly with their toys. Explain to them how to play nicely with the toy. If they still play roughly with it and it breaks, do not replace the toy.

This may result in your child becoming angry or frustrated, but they do need to learn through the natural consequences of their actions.

• The Parent or Caregiver
  • Be a flexible parent.
  • Be open to negotiation and making small compromises.
  • Communicate your own feelings (both positive and negative), and explain why.
  • Be playful and appeal to your child’s imagination. For example: when tidying a room, turn it into a game or playful competition: “Let’s see who can pack away first”.
  • Always let your child know that you love them unconditionally. When you show dissatisfaction with their behaviour, remember to reprimand the behaviour and not the child. Remind them that you love them and care for them, but that their behaviour is not acceptable.
  • Revise your expectations – remember that they are still children after all. Children are learning as they grow, they need our help and guidance to navigate and learn how to interact with the world around them. 
  • Take a parental time out: explain to your child what you are feeling (e.g. upset) and that you need to take some quiet time for yourself.

We hope that these suggestions for alternatives to punishment will help you to reduce conflict and frustration in your home. These are peaceful alternatives to the traditional methods of discipline, which will help to strengthen your relationship with your child while also guiding them to desirable behaviour.

Always try to remain calm and grounded when handling a child that is misbehaving, and remember that every situation that arises is an opportunity for learning and connections.

About the authors

Ofra Sharp

Ofra Sharp is the founder and owner of Little Acorns Play Group and Time2gether Activity Workshops. Ofra has many years of experience working with children of different ages, and their families. Ofra has a deep knowledge and understanding of the importance of early childhood development. Her qualifications include:

FDE Junior Primary (CCOE, UCT)

Advanced Play Therapy (Red Shoe)

Counseling 1 and 2, and trauma debriefing certificates (FAMtrac)

Ma’ayan Hamilton

Ma’ayan is a co-owner of LIttle Acorns Play Group where she is also involved as a teacher assistant. Ma’ayan qualified with a Bachelor of Science in Occupational Therapy in 2008, after which she furthered her studies as a TRE provider. Ma’ayan has a deep understanding of early childhood development, as well as the psychosocial needs of young children. Ma’ayan has three children of her own and has many years of hands-on experience with young children. Her qualifications include:

B.Sc. Occupational Therapy (University of Cape Town)

TRE provider (TRE Global Certification Training)