How to Discipline your Toddler: helpful tips that really work

By Ofra Sharp and Ma’ayan Hamilton / July 2023

In this blog we take a look at the subject of discipline in toddlers and young children. We focus on some of the positive techniques that parents and caregivers can use to help guide their children’s behaviour, while setting healthy boundaries and creating a safe and secure environment for their child to thrive.

Introduction

There comes a time in every parent’s life when their child acts out or misbehaves. Finding positive and constructive ways to manage your child can help you build a stronger relationship with them while guiding them towards appropriate behaviour and emotional regulation.

In this blog, we will look at what discipline is, and what it is not. We will then go through a few positive forms of discipline, which place an emphasis on developing a healthy relationship with your child. We will also take a look at time-out, and how this can be used as an effective tool to manage toddlers and young children who remain defiant or are not responding to other forms of positive discipline.

What discipline is…

• Guiding a child’s behaviour
• Teaching children to co-operate
• Teaching socially acceptable rules
• Implementing age-appropriate boundaries to help children adjust socially
• Discipline in the early years should lead to the development of self-control and self-discipline as the child matures.

Discipline is not…

• Not about instilling fear of adults and authority
• Not about controlling children and their behaviour
• Not about punishments
• Not about being your child’s friend or being too permissive

Positive Discipline Techniques

1. Age-appropriate boundaries

Boundaries should be reviewed and adjusted as your child matures, gains understanding, and starts to develop more self-control. 

For example, your 18-month-old toddler may not understand the instruction “Do not open this cupboard.”. As a parent, you can then put a system in place to prevent your child from being able to open the cupboard (safety latch or lock). Whereas your 3-year-old child most probably can understand the instruction and is able to know that this is not a desired behaviour, and they should be able to adhere to this instruction.

Boundaries must also be clear. They must be told in a clear short sentence of “may do” or “may not do”.

Boundaries and limits set by caring adults help your child feel safe and secure.

2. Teach cause and effect:

Teaching cause and effect enables your child to understand the consequences of their actions. This has direct and important implications for the development of their self-discipline and self-control. 

3. Negotiation and delayed gratification

Pick your fights and let go of issues that are negotiable, for example, your child’s choice of clothing.

Remain calm and firm on issues that are important. This refers to anything that would put your child at risk of being harmed. For example, wearing the seat safety belt when in the car is not negotiable. 

You can motivate your child to follow your instructions by offering a reward for good behaviour or action. For example, “You can watch TV AFTER you help to tidy your toys.”

We suggest that you always use the word AFTER instead of IF. ‘IF commands’ can be interpreted as a form of bribery and may be seen as an opening for argument or unreasonable negotiations with your child. 

4. Mean what you say

Always try to mean what you say, and do not make empty threats or promises. Once you set the limit or boundary, you have to stick to it.

For example, if you said NO to watching TV, your child may cry and nag for a long time. If you then give in and allow them to watch TV, you are giving your child the message that after enough crying and nagging, you will buckle and give in to their demands.

In addition, also think carefully about the boundaries that you set at each stage of your child’s life. These will change as your child increases in age and maturity. 

5. Offer alternatives or distract when possible

Try to offer an alternative activity when you have said no to an undesired action. You can also try to use distraction to focus your child’s attention on something else.

For example: “You are not allowed to climb the burglar bars because you can get hurt or break them. Let’s go outside to climb the jungle gym/ tree.” or “We don’t kick the cat. I have a ball for you to kick. Let’s go and kick the ball together.”

6. Tune-in to sensory overload

Toddlers who are hungry, tired, or over/under-stimulated are often prone to mis-behaviour.  This can be because of discomfort that they are not able to identify, or as a means to get your attention.

Children may also struggle with sensory modulation which can lead to what appears as misbehaviour. For example, a hungry tired child in a shopping centre may cry for things that you don’t allow, and become unruly and destructive.  Make sure your child is not hungry and that they are well rested if you plan to take them shopping with you. 

7. Identify, name, and reflect your child’s feelings

Identify, name, and acknowledge your child’s feelings with empathy and understanding. This helps your child to feel understood. It also helps them learn how to recognise and verbalise these feelings in themselves as they get older.

For example: “I can see that you are upset that Johnny took your toy car, you are angry.  We don’t hit, we use our voice and words. Let’s ask Johnny to give it back. You can tell Johny that you are angry and sad he took it without asking, and you want your car back.”

Remember: a child who learns to identify and accept his feelings is usually able to come to terms with them, show understanding of others’ feelings and be more empathetic and cooperate better. 

8. Angry feelings vs aggressive behaviour

Help your child to understand that anger is a natural feeling that everyone experiences. 

Anger is a natural instinct to fight for what we want, or to protect ourselves when we feel threatened. Anger is also sometimes an outward expression of underlying emotions such as sadness, being overwhelmed, or fear.

Anger does not have to be a negative experience, and there is a difference between feeling angry and aggressive behaviour.

Young children may show their anger with impulsive or aggressive behaviour such as kicking, biting, or hitting. It is important to name your child’s feelings of anger, and to discourage aggressive behaviour by giving them socially acceptable ways to express it.

For example: “You are angry right now, it’s okay to shout that you are angry, but you are not allowed to hurt anyone.”

“You are feeling angry that I am busy with the baby. You are not allowed to kick him. You can go outside and kick the ball against the wall instead.”

Time-Out / Cooling-down Time

If you have tried all of the above techniques and your child is still being defiant or mis-behaving, you can choose to apply time-out, or as we sometimes call it ‘cooling-down time’.

Time-out can be necessary when:

• Your child is being constantly defiant
• Your child appears out of control
• You feel out of control
• You feel that you can’t calm yourself down

Time-out is there for everyone to step back, and have a breather.

Time-out is not a naughty corner. It is equivalent to ‘cooling-down time’. Here are some suggestions for how to implement time-out safely and effectively:

1. Choose a safe space

Choose a space where your child can not be destructive, and where you are able to monitor your child. Your child must either sit on a chair or on a pillow placed on the ground.

You can either sit or stand next to them or near them during a time-out. 

Do not lock or isolate a child in a room where you can’t monitor them.

2. Give 3 warnings

Before you apply time-out, you must try to give 3 warnings. Be specific about the behaviour that is not acceptable. For example:

1. “…(insert behaviour)… is not acceptable. I have asked you to stop. If it happens again I will have to do something about it.”
2. “This is now your last warning, if you keep doing …(insert behaviour)… then you are going to go to time-out.”
3. “You have continued with …(insert behaviour)… and have not stopped. Now you have to go to time-out.”

3. Move them to the time-out area

If your child does not voluntarily go to the time-out area, then you may have to pick them up and put them on the designated chair or pillow. They may resist being moved to time-out. It is very important that you stay calm but firm with them.

4. Explain 

It is helpful to tell your child why you have put them in time-out. Calmly and firmly express what you are feeling and why they are in time-out.

5. How long should time-out be?

As a guideline, we suggest 1 minute per year, however if your child is not calm at the end of this time then you may choose to extend it.

Remember that time-out is a cooling-down time, and that the purpose is to give you and your child space to calm down. 

6. Ending time-out

When you feel calm and have decided that your child is able to hear you, you can go to them, lower yourself to their level, and look them in the eyes. In a very quiet calm voice tell them why you are sad or upset because of their behaviour.

Explain the situation to them, and how it affected you or those that got hurt. For example “Over and over you hurt the dog, it makes me angry, I asked you not to do it and you carried on. That is why you had to have a time-out”. 

If it is necessary for your child to make an apology, you can ask them to do so.

Apologies and making amends are essential as it gives your child the resolution required to move on.

Remember always to label the behaviour and not the child.  For example: “Kicking is hurtful. When you kicked the dog he got hurt and ran away to hide because he was scared.” rather than: “You are naughty because you kicked the dog.”

End with giving a hug and telling your child that you love them.

7. Time-out do’s and don’ts

Do not negotiate or engage in any discussion with your child while they are in time-out.

Do not isolate your child or leave them alone as they can hurt themselves or break things.

Do make sure that you can always see them and monitor them.

Do tell them to stay in time-out until it is over (you may have to repeat this as children will want to get up and leave).

Do pick them up and put them back in time-out if they try to walk away.

Sometimes children respond to time-out by having a tantrum, kicking, or crying. This is okay, as long as you do it in a space where you can monitor their safety. You can leave them and let the tantrum play out as long as they remain in the time-out area.

8. Repeating time-out

If your child repeats the exact same behaviour within a short space of time (for example, within the hour), then the time-out time must be repeated and extended. You may also choose to include the removal of a privilege. Do not add another punishment. For example, if your child is repeatedly destructive with a toy that can break, you put them in time-out, but also remove the toy and tell them that they can’t play with it for 2 days.

Conclusion

In conclusion, here is a summary of the most pertinent tips we feel will help when it comes to disciplining your toddler or child:

• Always give your child clear boundaries, and make sure that they are age-appropriate.
• Children feel safer with clearly set boundaries, as it gives them a sense of security. 
• It’s okay to offer a reward, but do not bribe your child. Remember, a reward comes AFTER your child has done what they need to, a bribe comes BEFORE.
• Never reward undesired behaviour or give in to tantrums or aggression.
• Be aware of your child’s sensory world as this may affect their behaviour.
• Label the behaviour, not the child. Praise or condemn the behaviour, not the child.
• Set a good example. Children learn more from what they experience and observe around them, than from what they are told. 
• Take a parental time-out. Never discipline in a moment of anger. If you get angry, rather take a step back, take a deep breath, and calm down before taking action.

Always remember that the aim of discipline should ultimately be to empower your child to develop self-discipline and confidence, which will stand them in good stead for the rest of their lives.

About the authors

Ofra Sharp

Ofra Sharp is the founder and owner of Little Acorns PlayGroup and Time2gether Activity Workshops. Ofra has many years of experience working with children of different ages, and their families. Ofra has a deep knowledge and understanding of the importance of early childhood development. Her qualifications include:

FDE Junior Primary (CCOE, UCT)

Advanced Play Therapy (Red Shoe)

Counselling 1 and 2, and trauma debriefing certificates (FAMtrac)

Ma’ayan Hamilton

Ma’ayan is a co-owner of LIttle Acorns PlayGroup where she is also involved as a teacher assistant. Ma’ayan qualified with a Bachelor of Science in Occupational Therapy in 2008, after which she furthered her studies as a TRE provider. Ma’ayan has a deep understanding of early childhood development, as well as the psychosocial needs of young children. Ma’ayan has three children of her own and has many years of hands-on experience with young children. Her qualifications include:

B.Sc. Occupational Therapy (University of Cape Town)

TRE provider (TRE Global Certification Training)