Nurturing Emotional Intelligence in Children

By Ofra Sharp and Ma’ayan Hamilton / September 2023

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence, often referred to as EQ (emotional quotient), is a vital skill set that includes the ability to recognise, understand, and manage our emotions, and respond appropriately to the emotions of others. This skill goes beyond emotional awareness; it also involves empathising with others and understanding their perspectives.

Emotional intelligence is a set of abilities that develop over time. From the moment a child is born, their emotional intelligence begins to take shape and continues to evolve throughout childhood and into adulthood.

Emotional intelligence includes aspects such as impulse control, intrinsic motivation, perseverance, delayed gratification, emotional regulation, and problem-solving. All of these play a crucial role in the manner in which we live and engage with the world around us.

Why is Emotional Intelligence Important?

The importance of emotional intelligence lies largely in its meaningful influence on our interactions with others. Throughout our lives, we engage with others in various settings, such as home, social environments, school, and the workplace. Our ability to navigate these relationships and social interactions effectively hinges on our emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence allows us to create a harmonious and supportive emotional environment around us. By recognising, understanding, and managing our emotions, as well as empathising with the feelings of others, we develop healthier relationships.

In recent years, many individuals have come to view EQ as equally important, perhaps even more so, than IQ (intelligence quotient) in determining personal happiness and success in life.

Understanding Your Child’s Emotional Development

Emotional development in humans is a lifelong process. It begins in infancy and continues throughout our lives, influencing our thoughts, behaviours, and relationships.

Emotional intelligence is closely linked to your child’s sensory development. We have written an informative 3-part series on sensory development, which covers understanding your child’s sensory world and how it affects their wellbeing, habituation and the importance of a sensory diet, and signs of sensory processing difficulties in children. For a more comprehensive understanding of your child’s emotional development, it will be helpful to also read the series on sensory development.

Stages of Emotional Development in Children:

Infancy (0-2 years): Emotional development starts from birth, with infants expressing their emotions primarily through cries, smiles, and body language. They rely on caregivers for comfort and security, laying the foundation for trust and attachment. During this stage, infants develop basic emotional responses to their immediate environment.

In this stage, the infant needs to develop basic trust in the world around them and their caregivers. When parents and caregivers attend to the needs of their infant appropriately and timeously, the baby learns that they can trust their caregivers and their environment.  Leaving a hungry baby to cry does not develop their frustration tolerance or improve their capacity for delayed gratification. These are not age-appropriate skills for a totally dependent infant.

It is important for parents and caregivers to attend to their infants and foster secure bonds of attachment and connection. The baby can only move on to further healthy emotional development if their need for basic trust has been fulfilled. It is equally important to respond to your baby’s smiles and gurgles and to make eye contact. These repeated moments of connection with you forms the foundation in your baby’s brain and nervous system for future healthy social relationships.

Early Childhood (2-6 years): This stage is marked by the emergence of more complex emotions such as joy, anger, fear, and sadness. Children start to understand and label their feelings, although their emotional regulation is still limited. They rely on caregivers to help them navigate and manage their emotions.

In this stage it is vital to allow your child to experience all emotions, and as the parent you should try to show them unconditional acceptance regardless of what they are feeling. Everyone feels positive and negative emotions, and your child needs to know that this is okay.

As the parent and role model, you can help your child develop socially appropriate and safe ways to express their emotions. Parents should avoid telling a child that what they are feeling is wrong, or that they shouldn’t feel a particular way. A child who is allowed to feel an uncomfortable emotion is more likely to accept it and move on than one who is told to suppress or deny it. 

Children who can feel and identify in themselves a wide range of emotions are also more likely to develop into people with the capacity for empathy and understanding those around them, important aspects of emotional intelligence.

Middle Childhood (6-12 years): As children grow, they become more skilled at recognizing and understanding emotions, both in themselves and others. They develop empathy and begin to consider the feelings of others. Peer relationships become increasingly important, providing opportunities for emotional growth and social learning.

In this stage, you can continue by helping your child to name their emotions and to start to recognise why they are feeling a particular way. Talk about your feelings, and about incidents that have happened during the day, how you felt, and how you responded. Ask them to share stories from their day with you. You will need to help your child develop the language of feelings and emotions. Peer relationships also become more important as your child develops empathy and greater awareness of their own feelings and the feelings of others. 

Adolescence and adulthood: Emotional intelligence continues to develop throughout adolescence and adulthood, with each new stage offering unique challenges and opportunities for growth.

Emotional development is a continuous process that evolves with our experiences and interactions with the world around us. As we progress through the stages of emotional development, we gain a deeper understanding of our emotions, learn to manage them effectively and develop empathy for others.

Recognising the stages of emotional development in children allows us to have realistic expectations while providing appropriate support and guidance at each stage.

How to Help Your Child Become Emotionally Intelligent

Parents and caregivers are the primary role models for their children. Children will copy and mirror the way in which their parents and caregivers manage their feelings and react to their emotions. Children will also treat others the way in which they are treated. So the starting point of helping your child become emotionally intelligent is to become an emotionally intelligent parent.

Becoming an emotionally intelligent parent involves recognising and managing your own feelings, finding appropriate ways to handle your emotions, and seeking support and guidance when you encounter situations that you are unable to deal with on your own.

Also remember that regardless of their current level of emotional maturity, your child does have the ability to learn and develop specific skills for emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is not static or fixed, it evolves over time.

Emotional intelligence is not about suppressing negative emotions and only expressing positive emotions. It is about being able to identify all emotions, and then appropriately manage and express these.  To guide children effectively in this journey, parents must first develop their emotional intelligence, ensuring they can approach their children from a place of understanding and compassion. 

Here are some practical ways to promote emotional intelligence in children:

1. Establish an Emotionally Intelligent Home Environment: Cultivate a home that embodies warmth, love, support, approval, and healthy boundaries.
2. Accept All Emotions: Offer your child a safe space and accept all their emotions. Never tell them that what they are feeling is wrong and that what you think they should be feeling is right. A child whose feelings are acknowledged and accepted is usually able to come to terms with them more easily.
3. Encourage expression of emotions: Help your child develop the ability to put words to their feelings. Children who are able to express their emotions with words are usually more able to analyse their feelings and choose appropriate behaviour in diverse situations.
4. Teach Appropriate Expression: Guide your child in expressing negative emotions in a healthy manner, emphasising communication over suppression or destructive behaviour.
5. Listen Actively: Pay attention to your child’s feelings and empathise with them. Show that you understand their emotional experiences.
6. Explain Individual Differences: Help your child understand that people react differently to various situations, this will help develop their empathy and tolerance.
7. Encourage Problem-Solving: Equip your child with problem-solving skills while allowing them to come up with their own solutions. This will enable them to navigate emotional challenges independently later in life.
8. Set Age-Appropriate Boundaries: Establish boundaries suitable for your child’s age and development stage, maintaining consistency in their application.
9. Avoid Belittling or Humiliating: Never undermine your child’s feelings or subject them to humiliation, as this can hinder emotional development.

Building a Positive Self-Esteem

An important aspect of emotional intelligence in children is cultivating positive self-esteem. Children with healthy self-esteem are more able to handle life’s challenges, as they know they are loved unconditionally, irrespective of their achievements or failures.

By instilling positive self-esteem, parents can empower their children to embrace new experiences and take on challenges without the fear of failure or inadequacy holding them back. 

Here are some ways to support the healthy development of your child’s self-esteem:

1. Express Love Daily: Remind your child of your love and acceptance every day.
2. Quality Time: Spend quality time with your child, engaging in activities that demonstrate your enjoyment of their company.
3. Praise Effort Over Achievement: Acknowledge and praise your child’s efforts rather than fixating on their accomplishments.
4. Support Skill Mastery: Encourage your child to master new skills, fostering their confidence.
5. Ensure Daily Successes: Aim to ensure that your child experiences at least one positive or successful moment each day.
6. Active Listening: Listen attentively to your child with the intention of understanding their emotions and experiences.
7. Respect and Empathy: Show respect to your child through your words and actions, and demonstrate empathy for their feelings and experiences.
8. Appropriate Responses: Respond to your child’s needs in a manner that is suitable for their age and emotional development.
9. Acknowledge Kindness and Empathy: Praise and compliment your child when they exhibit kindness and empathy toward others.
10. Assign Age-Appropriate Responsibilities: Involve your child in age-appropriate tasks at home, nurturing their sense of responsibility and trust in their abilities.

Conclusion

Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognise our own feelings and regulate our responses and behaviour in a manner that is appropriate. This leads to the ability to understand and have empathy towards others.

By providing children with the tools to navigate their emotions effectively, and developing a healthy self-esteem, parents contribute to their child’s emotional intelligence, setting them on a path to happier, more successful lives.

About the authors

Ofra Sharp

Ofra Sharp is the founder and owner of Little Acorns PlayGroup and Time2gether Activity Workshops. Ofra has many years of experience working with children of different ages, and their families. Ofra has a deep knowledge and understanding of the importance of early childhood development. Her qualifications include:

FDE Junior Primary (CCOE, UCT)

Advanced Play Therapy (Red Shoe)

Counselling 1 and 2, and trauma debriefing certificates (FAMtrac)

Ma’ayan Hamilton

Ma’ayan is a co-owner of LIttle Acorns PlayGroup where she is also involved as a teacher assistant. Ma’ayan qualified with a Bachelor of Science in Occupational Therapy in 2008, after which she furthered her studies as a TRE provider. Ma’ayan has a deep understanding of early childhood development, as well as the psychosocial needs of young children. Ma’ayan has three children of her own and has many years of hands-on experience with young children. Her qualifications include:

B.Sc. Occupational Therapy (University of Cape Town)

TRE provider (TRE Global Certification Training)