Understanding Your Child’s Temper Tantrums

Temper tantrums are a normal part of a child’s development. But they can feel overwhelming for both you and your child.

In this article we will look at some of the ways that you can help your child navigate their temper tantrums, as well as what to do once the tantrum has passed.

As a parent you can provide a safe space for your child to navigate these difficult experiences. By doing this you will also provide them with a solid foundation for developing into empathic and well-adjusted children. 

It is important to note that misbehaviour and defiance in toddlers are different to temper tantrums, and will need to be handled differently. 

Even though at times the two overlap, in this article we are specifically looking at temper tantrums.

Are temper tantrums normal and why do they happen?

Temper tantrums in children between the ages of 2 and 4 years are a normal, necessary, and healthy part of your child’s development.

The natural drive of the 2-4 year old child is to strive for their independence. There are two main reasons why this leads to frustration:

1. They are not physically able to do certain things because of developmental limitations
2. They are not permitted to do certain things because of safety

What is a temper tantrum?

Let’s think about a volcano for a moment. At some point, the build-up creates a high pressure that results in a big explosion of lava and gas. 

A temper tantrum is similar – and what you are witnessing in your child is the explosion at the end. A temper tantrum is simply the expression of frustration that has been building up over time and has now reached its boiling point. 

What causes temper tantrums?

Temper tantrums are most often caused by:

• An accumulation of emotional frustration or a low threshold of tolerance for frustration
• Overstimulation and sensory overload that can be coupled with hunger or tiredness

Here are some examples of everyday occurrences that might cause frustration for your toddler:

• Not being able to complete simple tasks like tying their own shoelaces.
• Not being able to do certain tasks like pouring milk into their glass.
• Having their food served in a way that they don’t like.

• A sibling takes their toys. 
• Not being allowed to touch things that would harm them, such as an electric wire.
• Having a physical need but not being able to communicate it.
• Getting sick but not being able to express that they don’t feel well.
• Having to do something for their safety, such as being strapped into the car seat

On their own, these may seem like minor frustrations but when compounded one on top of the next, they can easily lead to an overwhelming sense of frustration for your child, which results in a temper tantrum.

It is important to remember that all children are different, some have a lower threshold than others, therefore are more likely to be overstimulated more easily, which can result in more temper tantrums. Highly intelligent toddlers also often have more tantrums because they want to do many things which they understand on some level, but are not yet physically able to do independently.

Managing temper tantrums

Firstly, let’s be clear that it is not possible to prevent temper tantrums entirely, and it should not be our goal to try and eliminate them entirely. But we can help our toddlers reduce the number of frustrating experiences that result in a big temper tantrum.

Help manage your child’s frustration levels

Toddlers often become frustrated when they are not given age-appropriate toys and stimulation. Toys and games that are too difficult will cause immense frustration as the toddler who is striving for independence desperately tries to master something which they are simply too young to do.

On the other hand, boredom can also lead to frustration. It is important to be proactive and creative by finding age-appropriate toys, games, and activities for you and your child to enjoy.

Often we do as much as we can to reduce and minimise frustration, but there is still a normal build-up of small frustrations that will eventually lead to a big or a small temper tantrum, and this can not be stopped. It is not possible to eliminate frustration entirely from anyone’s life, be they a child or an adult. 

Offer help but without interfering

Since toddlers are striving for independence, one needs to be sensitive in how one approaches them when offering help.

For example, a toddler might be trying to tie their shoe lace, but is unable to do so – you can see their frustration building so offer to tie it for them – despite your attempt to help curb their frustration, they erupt into a temper tantrum. This is because not only are they feeling frustrated at their failed attempts to complete a task, but now their sense of independence to do something on their own has also been negated by you taking over the task. 

What can you do instead? 

• Take a deep breath, stay calm, and be patient.

• Suggest an alternative way for them to do what they are doing.
• Offer to help your toddler and wait for their consent before you do anything.
• Offer to demonstrate to them how it is done and then let them try on their own.
• Mention that you can see what they are doing is hard and that they are doing very well, and that you think they will be able to do it on their own next time.

Think before you say ‘No’

This is important for 2 reasons:

1. You don’t want to add to your child’s frustration by saying ‘no’ to something that is actually a reasonable request, or a negotiable request, just because you haven’t given it enough thought. Pause and ask yourself: ‘Is this negotiable? Is this reasonable?’
2. You don’t want to start by saying no, and then out of desperation turn your ‘no’ to a ‘yes’ in an attempt to prevent things from escalating when you see your toddler starting to have a tantrum. This will teach them that to get what they want, they just have to start a tantrum and will actually encourage this behaviour in the long term.

So when you say no – stick to it. But don’t say no unnecessarily.

Each family is different and has their own set of rules and boundaries. In general, things that should never be negotiable are those that affect their safety or the safety of those around them: being strapped into their car seat, holding hands to cross the road, not putting fingers into electrical plugs, and not biting other children.

Notice when your child is starting to reach their limit

Try and notice when your toddler is showing signs of tiredness, hunger, or overstimulation. And then offer what it is they need – a snack, a nap, or a change of environment. For example at a family event you might choose to calmly move from a busy noisy space to a quiet room to read a book with your toddler. 

Public places can be a source of a lot of visual stimulation and noise. If you are going to a shopping centre with your child, make sure that they are comfortable, well-fed, and well-rested beforehand. 

Once the volcano erupts: What to do if your child is having a temper tantrum

Allow the tantrum to run its course: don’t try and stop it

Firstly remember that once it has started, you can’t and shouldn’t stop the temper tantrum from running its course. This might be difficult and may feel uncomfortable and even embarrassing if it is happening in a public space. Remind yourself that a temper tantrum is a form of release and it is necessary for your toddler to have them.

Try not to worry about what those around you are thinking. Your primary concern is your child, and their safety and wellbeing.

A temper tantrum is not a sign that you are a bad parent or that there is something wrong with your child. It is normal, age-appropriate behaviour that can not always be controlled.

Decide on your involvement: Ignore or Get Involved?

Your response and involvement in the temper tantrum will vary each time it happens. You will need to assess the situation and decide on what you are going to do. 

Ignore

Sometimes ignoring is the only option as there is nothing you can really do to comfort your child, especially at the height of the tantrum.

Your child might try and kick you or scream at you if you come close to them or try to hold and console them. In these situations, ensure that your child is safe and that there is nothing in their environment that they can injure themselves on, and then leave them alone until the tantrum has run its course. You may choose to stand quietly to one side, or even leave the room (if you are sure that they are safe).

Get Involved

Your involvement should be minimal if you decide to go this route. 

• Move to a Safer Space

It might mean moving them to a safer space: for example, if you are in the small appliances section of the shopping centre and your toddler starts kicking and flinging their arms about you may need to pick them up as quickly as possible and move them to a quieter corner of the shop, or outside of the shop to a calmer environment or even into the car.

• Use calming words

Use words to acknowledge what you see and what they might be feeling – and then leave it at that. For example: “I can see you are getting very angry right now, I am going to leave you until you calm down. I am here if you need me.” Using a calm voice with reassuring words reminds your toddler that you see them, that you are in control even if they feel out of control, and that you are there for them when they have settled.

In general, temper tantrums often require a combination of both approaches: ignoring and getting involved. Involvement at the start to move your child out of a dangerous space, calm words to tell them that you are there for them, and then ignoring the explosion until it simmers down.

What NOT to do if your child is having a temper tantrum

• Don’t punish or get angry: this can be a scary experience for the child – so getting angry will make it worse for them.
• Don’t try to resolve or bargain as they are no longer in a reasonable state of mind.
• Don’t try and force them to be hugged or comforted by you until they are ready.

What to do once it is over?

Initially, you may want to hold your child and not say anything. Allow them to be comforted by you without any judgment. 

When they are calm you can reflect to them that you saw they got angry, and reassure them that it is over now. Once you have comforted them let it go and don’t keep bringing it up. It is often such an overwhelming experience that bringing it up again and again will lead to shame and embarrassment for the child.

In general, this is a good age to start to talk about emotions and feelings: read books about different emotions, name emotions as you see them arise, and tell your child what you are feeling. This will begin to help your child develop the vocabularly they need in order to communicate with you what they are feeling, which is an important part of their development and helping them manage their frustration. 

In Conclusion

Always try and be at least one step ahead of the situation. This means being attuned and attentive to your child, and what their needs are.

If a temper tantrum has started, decide on your approach and what you think is best for their well-being and safety, often this means not getting involved until your child’s rage has passed.

Always be responsible for their safety and ensure that they do not come to any harm when they are having a tantrum.

Welcome them with kind and loving open arms when they are finished with their tantrum. Hold them calmly and reassure them that you love them and that they are safe with you.